Is he the right one for you?

MY HEART BEHIND THIS POST

Recently, I have been asked a lot of questions in regards to dating, and finding/knowing “is he the right one?”, etc.

This was interesting to me because until I met my husband David, I didn’t have the best track records when it came to dating. No joke, meeting my husband was a miracle from God. My husband is my unicorn(too good to be true) and such a gift from God. I am convinced with every cell in me that God has given me His best. But the journey of getting to this place and being ready to receive such a gift took a WHOLE lot of heartaches, mistakes, and then yielding and surrendering to the Lord.

In writing this blog, I come with a deep desire to help women discern whether the man they are with is God’s best for them because who you date and eventually marry is probably the second most important decision in your life. I say this with such seriousness because who you surround yourself with is who you will become, and when you’re married, you are not just surrounded by your spouse but attached to your spouse. Because God says, “the two shall become one”.

NOW, I WILL OFFICIALLY START A LIST OF QUESTIONS AND ADVICE FOR YOU AS YOU WRESTLE AND DISCERN IF “HE IS THE RIGHT ONE”.

1. DOES HE LOVE GOD?

This is the most basic and crucial question. Does the man you are interested in understand that he is in need of a Savior and Sustainer? Is he diving deeper into the reality of grace?

“He can one day learn to love God”… Girl, let’s be real, missionary dating is like suicide bombing. You are not a kamikaze. And my question for you is, why would you want to be with someone who does not love the very thing that is most important to you? Can you imagine the love of your life not wanting to spend time with your family? No matter how crazy or messed up your family is, that would tear you apart. Now, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t cherish and treasure the most important Person in your life? Maybe you’re more drawn to who he can become rather than who he is now.

2. I’M SURE YOU LOVE HIM, BUT DO YOU RESPECT HIM?

My question for you is not, “do you love him enough to marry him?” My question for you is, “do you respect him enough to see him be the father of your children?” Don’t get me wrong, no man or woman is perfect, but if there is a pause or hesitation in your answer, girl, I don’t know.

God calls the husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church, but he has called the wife to respect her husband. So, is he a respectable man?

3. IS HE GOOD WITH HIS HANDS? 

If you questioned my calling the moment you read that, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. What I mean by that is, one infamous pastor once said that a man should have the “Double Js” if he desires to get married, Jesus and a job. I may not completely agree with the second part, however, I think what he meant by that was, does the guy have the character to work and provide for a future family? The answer to this question goes deeper than money. It is an issue of a man knowing his God given purpose and assignment on planet earth.

Does your man understand that he plays a crucial role in the Kingdom and contributing to the world? Does he have the character that understands that work is a gift to be productive that was given before the Fall? That whether it is in a cubicle or a classroom, his work brings glory to God and possesses intrinsic value? Because if he doesn’t know the trajectory of his calling, how is he going to lead you?

4. WHAT DOES YOUR PASTOR|FAMILY|FRIENDS SAY ABOUT HIM?

God has graciously provided our wondering hearts with a compass to be guided by, of course His Word and His Spirit but in this case, I mean the Body of Christ. “Love” can be extremely blinding. Looking back, love had quickly turned into lust and my dignity was laid down at the altar of acceptance. My hunger for love, and lust for power (let’s be real, us women love the idea of a man changing for us..) drove me into dark alleys that I could not escape. Friends, family, and pastors would swing the red flag left and right and there I went straight into the path of death.

So before I dated my now husband, I called two friends that I knew I could trust. Who I knew loved God and loved me to tell me the truth. Then I opened up to my family(that is super awkward but cool). I then went to my mentor/pastor and told him. Why did I do that? Because love and relationships are meant to be celebrated not isolated. If you are dating in secrecy or keeping certain sins silent, that is not a good sign of a healthy relationship. Someone once said, “It takes a village to keep a marriage.” I completely, one hunna agree with that.

So ladies, what does your pastor, friends, and family say about him? Do they approve of him? Do they respect him? Are they happy and excited for you? Is he seen by your community as a respectable man?

5. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, ARE YOU EVEN THE RIGHT ONE?

Ladies, what I have been trying to communicate throughout this blog is not whether you can merely identify “the right one” but whether you are striving to be the right one. That was my subliminal message that isn’t subliminal anymore.

I may be saying.. 너 나 잘해.

The reason why I wrote this blog is not because there are so many “bad” and “immature” men but because too many women who love God that struggle with insecurities keep laying down their dignity under the deception that loving an immature man is selfless love.

SO, HERE ARE SOME LAST ADVICE TO YOU WOMEN:

1. Have YOU placed your faith in Jesus Christ and worship Him as God, Lord, Sustainer, and Life? If not, girl, what are you doing looking for a man who can’t make you whole like Christ?

No matter how respectable a man is, he can never replace God. And if you are not with a respectable man, and all that you’re doing is complaining about him and frustrated with who he is, that says more about you who chooses to stay with that kind of man than the “unrespectable” man. Girl, maybe you need to check yourself.

Look at the story of the Samaritan woman in John 4. Even after 5 men, she was stilling looking for another husband. But when she met Jesus Christ, he gave her living water, purpose, and a mission. So, have you surrendered your life to the lordship of Jesus Christ and love and treasure Him above anyone and anything?

2. Are YOU remaining in the Word, prayerfully sensing the leading of the Holy Spirit, humbly listening to the voice of your community and prayerfully discovering your God given dream?

I remember when I dedicated a year of singleness to the Lord, I worked it like Mother Teresa the Second. I realized that rather than hunting(let’s be real again, we are pretty controlling) for “the right one” I allowed it to be a season of growth, healing, and learning. I believe that I needed that year of being emotionally and mentally single to have been ready to welcome my husband into my life. When you surrender your will, His will can be done. And I promise you, He is a good Father, why would He let any of His daughters settle for anything less than His best?

There is so much more to say on this topic. But I will keep it at this. I hope this is helpful for you!