(Almost) First Half of Pregnancy

How far along are you? How did you know it was the right time for a baby?

I am currently 19 weeks pregnant! We got married in 2015 but began the journey of trying for a baby late 2017. I actually wanted to have a baby pretty early on in our marriage but God spoke to me about how I was just looking for the next adventure and told me that He was going to confirm the right time when David feels confident about it.

How did you find out you were pregnant?

Early February, I met with a mentee who was sharing about how God was speaking to her through dreams. I left that conversation wondering when was the last time I asked God for dreams. I went home that night and shared it pretty lightly with David. Mid-February on a Friday night, I had a dream that I was wearing a black dress with a full belly. The next day, David had a dream that he was holding our child. We took a pregnancy test on Tuesday and lo and behold, it came out positive!

How did you react to the news? How did David respond?

I was in complete shock. After seeing so many negative pregnancy tests, I didn’t expect it. But I just started crying and David laughed at me. We went to Target to get one of those pregnancy tests that say “Pregnant” because I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it. And when we came back home and took it, it said “PREGNANT.” After I calmed down, I heard David walking around the house saying “Wow, I can’t believe we are going to be parents. I can’t believe we have a baby.” He was thrilled.

Any fear of miscarriage?

Of course. As we had to wait for the conception of our baby, I grew to become more aware of the struggles with fertility and miscarriages in a way that I never had to before. That made me realize that I am not exempt from the possibility of these things and also helped me to grow in compassion for those that do. In the earlier weeks of the pregnancy, I had my fears, but one day God spoke to me and said, “Esther, trust that I made your body to be capable of carrying this baby. Not only that, trust that I have also made your soul to be capable of processing grief if anything were to happen. I will be with you no matter what.” Those words helped me to embrace and enjoy my pregnancy a lot more and helped both David and I to decide to share about our pregnancy pretty early on.

Any pregnancy symptoms? Morning sickness? Cravings?

I didn’t have any major pregnancy symptoms. I had nausea for a day, some migraines here and there but nothing serious. One frequent symptom would be the constant need to visit the restroom! My bladder feels tiny.

No major cravings that are out of the norm but I did and still do love super cold and sweet fruits!

Did you think it was a boy or a girl?

I honestly thought it was going to be a boy. Probably because I was seeing my nephew so much. But the night before our first 12 week ultrasound appointment, David had a dream that he was holding our baby girl and thought to himself “She is so beautiful.” Ever since that dream, he was convinced it was a girl.

It’s a girl! How did you find out?

My OB-GYN advised that I take a non-invasive genetic blood test. We got the results and at 17 weeks, we did a gender reveal with my family. We wanted everyone to participate so a sweet friend called the bakery for us after she checked the gender results. And when we all took a bite, it was pink! (Video is on my Instagram)

What has God taught you through this journey?

1. Don’t Covet Someone Else’s Story

We didn’t get pregnant as fast as we thought we were going to. There were doubts here and there. Even hospital visits. But I wouldn’t take back our story. The ways that God matured us, prepared us and wrote a story just for us is one of a kind. He spoke to us through dreams, gave us time to work on our marriage and so much more.

I know it can get discouraging when you see other people announcing their addition to the family. But another thing I’ve learned is that when you embrace the story God is writing for you, you can fully celebrate and congratulate others from a sincere place. I was so happy for my friends, friend’s friends and sister when they found out. Why? Because it truly is a miracle whenever it happens!

2. Refuse to be Disappointed at God

I remember looking at my monthly cycle app and slightly dreading my period from starting, because that was in and of itself a negative pregnancy test. I was out of town and getting on a plane to come back home. I had prepared myself just in case “it happened” and as I was boarding the plane I said to God, “Even if I start my period, I refuse to be disappointed at you.” A few hours later, I started. I let myself be sad and honest for 10 seconds and then chose to look to God’s goodness and perfect timing.

3. Delay Increases Your Heart’s Capacity for Compassion

One of the things I am most grateful for during what seemed like a delay was the transformation in my theology and philosophy of having children and growing a family. I learned that getting pregnant isn’t easy and for some, it is even impossible. Therefore, I must be watchful of how I say “Are you trying? When are you planning to have a baby?” Furthermore, when the Reproductive Health Act was passed in New York, I realized that my fantasy of carrying my own child in my body might prevent me from seeing the value of raising children that didn’t come from us, whether through adoption or foster care. Christians, including myself seem to be more pro-birth than pro-life at times. No matter how the baby carries, we are still to love, value, raise and disciple them. I think if conceiving came really easy, I would’ve seen those as last options and not a priority.

Lastly, and most importantly, I just realized that it isn’t about me. God knows the desires of my heart and He loves me and my husband dearly and whether it happened in our time or our way isn’t as important as God’s will being done in His time and His way. So I am grateful for the delay because it gave me time to disconnect myself from idolizing our story unfolding in a particular manner; God’s ways and thoughts are higher than ours. And at the end of the day, it isn’t so much about “becoming” a mother than it is about raising and discipling Christ followers whether they are yours or not. Because the Great Commission hasn’t changed. And I learned to embrace God’s call over my life as a “mother“ to whoever has been entrusted to me in this season and this lifetime.