A Year of Singleness

I had just gone through a rough break up from an on and off relationship. I was a mess and needed guidance to navigate the combination of sadness, anger, embarrassment and relief I was feeling all at once. So I called a mentor and poured my heart out. At the end of our phone conversation, he suggested that I dedicate a year of singleness. Say what? What is that? And what does that mean? What would it look like? He didn’t go into detail but suggested that it would be a good idea to take a step back. 

To my surprise, I agreed but only agreed to half of his suggestion by giving six months of singleness to God. Why was giving one year of singleness to God such a difficult commitment? The truth is, there was almost never a time in my life that I didn’t like someone. Whether it be a crush, an interest or an obsession. And to give a year of singleness to God meant I was making a commitment to eliminate all fantasizing, flirting and futuristic thinking from the equation. It meant I would spend my time focusing on becoming the right person rather than hunting, I mean, looking for the right person. It was vulnerable and terrifying. I mean, what if he “passes by” and I miss him during the 6 months? 

But let me tell you. Looking back, it was one of the most liberating and transformative six months of my life. It was so amazing that I extended the six months to one year. Which ended up being what my mentor had suggested from the beginning. 

On this blog, I want to share with you some key lessons I learned during the year of singleness.
Sometimes you need to make a clear line for a clear mind 

I don’t want to make a legalistic suggestion to dedicate a certain self-initiated amount of time that encourages you to rely on our own strength. However, I do think that there are clear resolutions that are necessary in order to gain clarity of perspective. For example, when an artist feels stuck and uninspired, they are encouraged to take a walk in order to boost their creativity. Sometimes creativity actually comes from stepping away from what may seem urgent. 

In stepping away from a repetitive cycle of thinking and obsessing, I was able to spend time with God in reflection and repentance that would not have been able to come if I had other distractions. It was during this time that I was able to discover the birthplace of my need for male affirmation and how that is strongly linked with my relationship with my dad and in return, truly yield and surrender the root issue and not just the behavior. 

Your desires aren’t bad but who is their master? 

One of the most liberating encounters I had with God in His Word came during this consecrated time. For so long, I had thought that to rid myself of romantic desires was the answer. However, as I re-read Genesis 2:18, “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” I realized that Adam didn’t even ask God for Eve. Adam was satisfied with an all sufficient God and according to the Scriptures, there is no sign of him expressing a need for a human companion. However, it is in this moment that God calls something “not good” in creation. This is when I learned that God actually created Adam with the capacity and necessity for companionship and was willing to satisfy it even before Adam had the capability to comprehend it. 

This is when I was truly able to let go of my obsession with finding a significant other. Knowing that God made me with the necessity for it, but also is more than willing to satisfy it in His time and way, freed me from the pressure to orchestrate my own love story. This enabled me to be honest and open about my desires to God and not ask him to “take it away” while yielding it to a better master, which is God and not me. 

The journey of coming to this revelation enabled me to steward and manage my desires on all different topics and layers more precisely and in a healthier manner. At the core, the problem was that I didn’t believe God was good and this simple understanding of God’s character and nature has stabilized and matured my faith in ways I never would have imagined.  

Stewardship of the current season prepares you for the future seasons 

One of the greatest lessons I learned during that one year is that what I cannot manage internally and externally on my own will leak into my dating relationship. No one magically changes because of a relationship. Therefore, learning to let God dig out the pain, junk, etc. enabled me to be more sober in my expectations as well as honest in my communication with my significant other.

For example, one time when David and I were driving together, he didn’t hold my hand. I could feel the insecurities flaring up. I thought “Does he not want to be near me? Does he not care to hold and touch my hand?” Soon enough he asked, “Is everything okay?” and I pulled out my go-to, “Yeah, it’s fine.” At that moment, the Holy Spirit spoke so clearly to me, “Esther, can David read your mind? Is he me?”, I replied, “No.” And the Holy Spirit proceeded to say, “I gave you a mouth for a reason, now use it.” It was confronting but also loving and I knew what I had to do. My flesh was used to being passive aggressive but now the Holy Spirit had done such a deep work in me that I didn’t need to submit to my old ways. 

I told David, “I feel insecure right now because you usually hold my hand FIRST and I don’t know why you didn’t right now.” He looked at me and expressed that he had absolutely no idea and that it was not how I felt and proceeded to hold my hand. And that was the end of the story. No silence, no “whatever” or “it’s nothing” and we had a wonderful rest of the date.

Now, David can testify that when he asks me if something is off or wrong, I will never let him ask me more than once before I tell him the honest truth. Even if it is embarrassing, dumb and vulnerable. If I didn’t have that year of making a clear line for a clear mind, a sober mind, I would not overflow with wisdom and honesty but would be leaking out of my unresolved issues. 

I don’t know what God is calling you to in this season or what your relationship status is. But I believe God will always honor consecrated sacred space and time to get to know Him and to let Him undo the tangles of our hearts that need a touch and encounter from Him. At the end of the day, you will see that the goal isn’t singleness or marriage more than it is about a flourishing and on-going, trusting relationship with Jesus.